Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it,
and whoever loses their life will preserve it.
Luke 17:33
Robin William's death struck a chord with me like so many of you. I found this verse while searching for some inspiration for a post on suicide. I could ramble on for days about my own struggle with depression, but after what is happening in my home state, that is exactly what it feels like- empty self-indulgent rambling.
Pride is the American way. I've had about all I can take of pride. I'm finally coming to grips with how I see the problem after struggling to articulate what really happened in Ferguson to a friend of mine who isn't from the United States. The paradoxes- the police are supposed to protect us, as one of us, in the face of the trauma our officers are exposed to everyday. The African American community's plight is such a sensitive issue that the failure of its young people is taboo. Meanwhile we sidestep the glorification of drugs and violence in mainstream culture because ignoring it is entertaining and profitable for those of us who have the luxury of compartmentalization.
I've had about all I can take of pride. We allow our minds to fade to the point where punctuation and spelling are no longer as important as camera filters, and the health of our bodies consistently takes second chair to "winding-down" by using whichever poisonous and remarkably expensive vice is most convenient. We sit staring at television and computer screens for years of our lives while gravity contorts our bodies into uselessness. Meanwhile the morale and obesity boosting snacks and coffees required to maintain our stressful yet somehow meaningless lives threaten the health of every organ system in our bodies.
I've had about all I can take of pride. We allow our hearts to believe that a relationship that isn't composed of two of the most equally-yoked, photogenic, successful, and witty people is somehow symptomatic of chronic psychological disorder for which therapy is needed. We are eagerly exploited by dating apps, drug companies, and pornographers in hopes of maximizing our sexual potential. Meanwhile we repel genuine opportunities to nurture others because human contact and the real people we need don't bare a close enough resemblance to our fantasies about ourselves.
I've had about all I can take of pride. We take bullying, depression, and suicide- issues that have existed for the entirety of human existence- and elevate them to the forefront of internet consciousness, so that we can hypocritically comment or have the delightful opportunity to "click here" and learn more about a mind-altering medication with these horrific effects we ARE aware of, or a legal add where we can sue for effects we weren't. Meanwhile we constantly ignore our own responsibilities of self-control, compassion, and gratitude in favor of victimization.
I do not deny suppression or hate and their power to elicit aggressive responses. I am a white woman, and if that sounds like a particularly free and glamorous lot in life, then you are not a white woman or you are likely not misunderstood. We will never know exactly what lead to the death of Micheal Brown on August 9, but it sounds like one guy killed another guy and pride usually has something to do with that sort of thing. Pride was involved in the lies, following theft and destruction, and even my own difficulty putting this away.
When I first encountered Luke 17:33, I was a child and a fundamentalist. Riddles and paradoxes weren't particularly interesting to me. The older I get, the more acceptable not knowing becomes and the less threatening a never ending journey seems. There will always be games to be played and the experience of confusion has the potential to transform the way we see our lives. If pride does not allow this situation to be thought provoking, pardon me for the distraction.
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