Earth

I am back in training. I spend fourteen hours a day in studio; the rest of my time is spent preparing for and recovering from those hours. I am backpacking again. Suspending exhaustion, distracting anxieties, and dodging self-doubt because energy is limited, and attention is fragile. Bombarded with so much new information, a successful traveler, at some point, makes a decision. She remains as open to new stimuli as possible and allows her intuition the discerning.

Three summers ago I booked a flight to Berlin alone. The night before take-off, I laid in bed terrified while my little brother slept. Death loomed an enormous possibility, but the idea of hiding from my inadequacies one day longer had become more of a stretch than a life without my family. Twenty hours later, I watched the sun rise from the window seat of a transatlantic flight. The cabin was silent and mostly dark aside from reading lamps. Quiet light fell on my Moleskine journal,

"What I'm doing is selfish."

The word selfish strangles every beautiful thing that ever happened. We live in a culture that gives us every obvious necessity in exchange for our souls. We take ourselves for granted, lulled into physical compliance by media and conveniences while our insides scream for relief, weary of the same decisions, social obligations, and tired inner dialogue. We respond by gagging our consciences with unsatisfying relationships, poisons, and other things we have been sold- all because we fear suffering. Life is change, and change is a huge challenge for an organism trying to hold itself together here on earth. Every second you settle for suffering while doing what is easy is another second of your soul sold. Gravity forfeited. Impact absorbed.

It comes down to what kind of world you think we live in, what kind of person you think you are, and what kind of higher power you respect. If your responses are empty, then I pity you. The world I live in, the person I am, and the God I serve is incredibly dynamic. There is not one person or truth I have known that has made a strong case for permanence or lack of personal responsibility, and there is not one product or activity that has left any human being more powerful than cultivating an attitude of gratitude for the opportunity to flail in the confusion assigned to them with the kind of poise that inspires others to do the same.

It's week one and I have been met with as much order as chaos in my second round of teacher training. I have no idea what is going to happen here, but if feels good to be traveling again.

 

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works;

and that my soul knoweth right well.

Psalms 139:14